Why can I not be kind to myself? Self-compassion, a Science-backed Wellness Strategy

This article was originally published on the Amna Shabbir Wellness Coaching Blog

“This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of life. May I be kind to myself in this moment. May I give myself the compassion I need.”

- Kristin Neff 

Every day I help many people. These start from the tiny humans I am raising, my spouse, my family, my patients, and their families, my clients, my friends, and anyone else I encounter in the general public. It is natural, it is easy and I do not need to think too much. However, my inner critic made it very hard for me to be kind to myself. Any time the slightest detail was not to an imaginary self-set standard, I would indulge in self-flagellation. Self-compassion had been an ever-elusive goal until fairly recently. Clearly being hard on myself day in and day out had not yielded much healing or forward momentum in my life overall. The shrill drill sergeant voice inside of me worked well when I was younger, helping me push through difficult exams and “will” myself through some rough seas. Yet here I was standing, at the peak of my apparent success, feeling so low and empty inside. 

Then my coach spoke to me. She said I did not have to be so hard on myself. I felt like she was condoning laziness and if for a moment, I let go of being so self-critical, my discipline and my life would all come crashing down around me. Oh how wrong I was as I discovered later!

And somewhere along the way, I got introduced to the work of Dr.Kristin Neff. 

“This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of life. May I be kind to myself in this moment. May I give myself the compassion I need.”

I learned that this alien concept of self-kindness was not just a woo recommendation but was founded in psychology and neuroscience. It means treating ourselves with kindness, understanding, and acceptance the same way we would treat others in times of suffering. The three key elements: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. 

Research shows that self-compassion helps individuals navigate and recover from challenging experiences with greater emotional resilience. Practicing self-compassion has been linked to decreased levels of stress, anxiety, and depression, enhancing overall mental well-being. It encourages intrinsic motivation, self-acceptance, and learning from setbacks, leading to progress toward personal goals. 

Apart from the mental wellness perks of self-compassion, it has physical benefits for our health. By engaging in self-kindness practices we activate the body’s relaxation response, decreasing levels of stress hormones like cortisol. We improve our immune function by enhancing the activity of natural killer cells, which play a role in defending us against viruses and cancerous cells. Self-compassion appears to modulate the inflammatory response and leads to reduced levels of pro-inflammatory markers. Pain management techniques utilizing self-compassion have shown promising results. Individuals who practice self-compassion experience less pain intensity and distress.

Kindness to oneself, lowers blood pressure, heart rate, and heart rate variability. All indicators of improved cardiovascular health. Self-compassion practices improve sleep including better sleep patterns and quality. Individuals that are self-compassionate, are more likely to engage in healthier lifestyle choices such as regular exercise, better nutrition, and self-care. 

Finding out all the above and gently partnering with my coach, I was able to quiet my 24-hour on-call inner critic. My coach helped me bring mindful awareness, challenge my self-limiting beliefs (aka call me out on my BS tactfully) and imbed self-compassion practices in my life. Together we worked and gradually, I genuinely started becoming self-compassionate. 

I found myself leaning into myself and saying “I got you”. Through life’s rhythms, medical training, work, health issues, motherhood, and all the rest, I had been relentlessly ruthless to myself. The moment I started journeying to my healing from a place of self-kindness, validating and truly recognizing my humanity, there was so much freedom on the other side.

It is not an easy task and I am nowhere near my destination but I know, I’m trying. Trying every day to be kinder to me.